jojo

A song that's touched me lately...

heh  course the version I like is a rough version sung by Ryan Kelly, my own personal crush... but I love the song on its own.

BROKEN THINGS

You can have my heart
Though it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the pain away

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart

So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through
Then you walked right into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
When you hold me like a child
All my frozen tears just fall at your feet

My husband and I have been a couple for a long time...  We started dating when we were 15 and have been together as a couple ever since, except for a brief stint of broken-up-ed-ness shortly after we originally got together.  My perception of "us" is that I have always been more needy.  I've needed more hugs, more kisses, more holding, more vocal assurance that he loves me.  My perception of HIM is that he just... didn't need it as much.  And that's not to say that I thought he didn't love me or that he didn't need me.  He just didn't need to be ASSURED of it as much... and because of that, my perception was that he didn't do it FOR ME as much.

I felt that this was especially true of our time apart, during our freshman year of college.  Having really never dated anyone else, we decided that we SHOULD date other people before we got really REALLY serious.  So we decided to attend separate colleges, in different states.  We never DID date other people... but that was the intent.  During this time, again, my memory and my perception was that I missed him way more than he missed me.  Add to this that I went through my first true bout with depression during this time.  I didn't recognize it at the time... but once I realized that I DID go through depression (when my children were younger), I could look back and see that my freshman year was DEFINITELY a depressive time in my life.  And I truly just think my perceptions, my beliefs were skewed through that lens.

Because I was so wrong!  I recently was cleaning out my computer files, and I stumbled across a file of emails that he had sent to me during that year.  I was just... I was just wrong.  He was sweet, he was caring.  He missed me.  He wrote things about dreaming about our future life together, about how much he missed being with me, how much he was looking forward to being together again, how much he loved me, how much he thought about the deeper sides to our relationship, and how much he missed laughing with me.

And it just made me cry... partly because I was just full of joy for being blessed with such a good man.  But partly, too, because I feel like I missed a lot of it.  Sucked into the pit of where I was, I missed so much of that goodness.  I missed seeing how much he loved me and cared for me and missed me and worried about me.  Through that haze, I just couldn't see it.  I didn't remember it even existing.

And it just made me think... how much else did I miss because of where my head was?  How much of my family?  My friends?  God?  How much have I missed SINCE then because of other things going on in my life... whether it be depression, anger, obsession with self, jealousy...  how much have I missed because my perspective was off?

Another stolen from Pattie...

60 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Car seats, trash, various books and toys that have not yet been cleaned out from our drive to Oregon.

2. When was the last time you threw up
I honestly can't remember... POSSIBLY the last WAH get-together.

3. What's your favorite curse word?
friggin'

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
my husband, my sister, my mom

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Getting up to pee

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Flipping through the channels on my mom's TV, and musing that, even with a bazillion channels, there was really nothing of interest to watch.  Granted, it's midnight.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now?
Sleeping.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
lol  No

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Whatever's in my bowl.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
A glass of milk.

12. What are you wearing right now?
my pajama pants, the Ann Taylor shirt I wore today, and a sweater to keep me warm in the Arctic unknown called 'my mom's house'.  Old women keep their houses COLD

13. What was the last thing you ate?
Oh dear.  A box of chocolates.

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
lol  Yes.  Today, I purchased a set of Oregon Ducks hat/scarf/gloves, a pair of puppy slippers, a cute top (size SMALL) and a flirty dress.  All on final clearance.

15. When was the last time you ran?
Hmmm... I raced Alicia the other day.  The weather is almost warm enough for me to start going out and walking/running again.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
The Super Bowl... and bits and pieces of some basketball games that Joel has been watching.

18. Who is the last person you emailed?
my girlfriends

19. Ever go camping?
Not if I can help it.

20. Do you have a tan?
Uh no.  I am white as white can be.  I'm either white or pink.  There is no brown.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
If it's there.

25. What did your last IM say?
I don't know... I don't IM much anymore.

26. Are you someone's best friend?
Many someones.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
I'm going shopping.  I'm going out to dinner with my mom.  And I'm going to see a show that my sister is in.

28. Where is your mom right now?
In her bedroom, 2 doors down.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
a big chest of drawers that has been in our family for years.

30. What color is your watch?
I don't have one.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
convicts and the Crocodile Hunter

32. Would you consider plastic surgery?
No, I think it's evil.  *giggles*  Well, obviously, I HAVE...  I don't think I'd ever consider facial surgery.

33. What is your birthstone?
Rubies

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
About half and half.  My kids LOVE to go in, so sometimes we do that as a treat.  But if I just WANT TO GO HOME, we'll just "go in the out."

35.How many kids do you want?
3's enough for me

36. Do you have a dog?
nope

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
my mom

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Does Dana count?

39. Any plans today?
Go to bed.

40. How many states have you lived in?
4: Oregon, Minnesota, California, Washington.

41. Ever go to college?
Yes…I very much enjoyed it, and though I'm not working, am daily grateful for the experience and the things I learned while there, both in and out of class.

42. Where are you right now?
the tv room at my mom's house.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
People.

44. Last song listened to?
Good to be Us, Bucky Covington (it's on the radio, playing behind me)

46. Are you allergic to anything?
stupidity

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my Nikes

48. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not really... I'm really very happy with who and what I am

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Beats me!

51. What time is it?
12:45am.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes

53. Do you eat healthily?

HealthiER, anyway.

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Normal schedule: Get up, exercise, shower, get kids up and ready, take everyone to school.  Clean house or run errands.  Pick Alicia up at busstop.  Eat lunch. Do puzzles/clean more/run more errands.  Pick twins up at school.  Rest.  Do homework.  Cook dinner.  Clean up.  Bathtime.  Kids in bed.  Rest. Read.  Sleep.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Nope.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
I suppose... when I answer the phone.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
25

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No.  I am a roller coaster wimp and have no desire to go.

60. How did you get one of your scars?
I have a scar on my right ring finger from when I was washing dishes at Winter Camp, while pregnant with the twins, and a glass broke in my hand.

A good man

Maybe because of people I've been talking to.. maybe because I'm out of town and separated from my husband... but I've been thinking a lot about marriage and my husband this week.  I look at him... think of him.. and wonder how I got so lucky.  Not just that he's a good man, but that we remain as close as we are.  That we remain as in love as we are.  I feel very special and blessed to be a part of this relationship.  I've been crushing on him for 20 years... and I cherish every moment of it.

Back before we started dating, he went out with my best friend, who dumped him because "he was too nice."  Her loss, my gain.  I don't know what it was about him that she found unpalatable... and I'm not saying he's perfect.  But I think it's sad that she confused his goodness with being boring because he is anything but that.  I have laughed more with him than anyone else in the world.  He is anything but boring.  But he's also good.  As his wife, I don't wonder where I stand with him.  I don't worry that he doesn't love me.  He has put me on a pedestal... not in an idolatrous sort of way.  But just in a way that lets me know that, after God, I am the absolute most important thing in the world to him. And YES, sometimes other things take immediate precedence from necessity... work, kids, church.  But, in the end, these are things that he does FOR me, for our life together, for the goals that we have committed to together.

I'm in Oregon this week, with our kids.  I stay with my mom, and spend the daytime hours with my inlaws while my mom is at work.  Even though they would not mind at all, I struggle with just dropping my kids at the grandparents' and deserting them to go shopping or whatever.  I worry that they'll think I see them as just automatic babysitting, instead of people who are intimately important to me, and I just really struggle with the guilt I put on myself about that.  Last night, on the phone, Joel was chastising me and encouraging me to take advantage of his parents.  lol  That probably sounds worse than it is...

So, today, I followed his advice... I took the kids to my inlaws' house and then I left.  I texted him to tell him that I was following directions and his response was "Good girl... now go do something fun."  And it's simple...  but just that sentiment made me feel very taken care of... that he knows I need alone time, and that he considers it his job to make sure that I get it, even when he's 300 miels away.

Stolen from Pattie...

Current Book(s): The Dragonbone Chair, by Tad Williams.  The first book of a new-to-me fantasy series.

Current Playlist: Taylor Swift's debut CD

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: The Ferrero Rocher chocolates that are in my mom's pantry.

Current Color: light purple.... My mommy says it brings out my eyes.

Current Fetish: Quiet.

Current Drink: Starbucks Skinny Caramel Mocha.

Current Food: Mongolian BBQ

Current Favorite Favorite: Ummm...  favorite vacation: with my friends

Current Wishlist: A better system for homework.  Someone to run my kids to baseball practice this season.

Current Needs: Patience and calm.

Current Triumph(s): I lost 80 lbs!

Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Showing Christ to people that bug the piss out of me.

Current Celebrity Crush: I don't really have one right now.  Go ahead.  Faint.  I'll wait.

Current Indulgence: Bi-monthly pedicures.

Current #1 Blessing: My best friends

Current Slang or Saying:  I might could do that.

Current Outfit: my skinny jeans, a white tank top and my boots

Current Excitement: I don't have to do anything responsible-like until Tuesday!

Current Mood: Sleepy, but happy

Snow is scenic, Antarctica is not.

On my flight home from Nashville, my plane descended into Salt Lake City for a layover.  It truly was beautiful with a sunset sky and snow-covered scenery.  My breath caught as I glanced out the window and saw a little lit-up town nestled in the shadow of the mountains with the pink and purple sky behind.  From thousands of feet up in the air, it was gorgeous.  And yet, as we continued to descend, my perception changed.  I began to notice the imperfections.  Instead of snowcapped mountains, I saw streets with half-melted snow... piles of dirty plowed snow.  And it just wasn't that pretty anymore.

It was here that I started getting "that feeling"-- the one that says "there is a lesson in this for you.  Stop and think before you miss it." (This could have also been the exhaustion.)  So here it is-- with an addition.

From afar, pretty much everybody is pretty.  I'm not talking physically but personally.  Most everybody is just trying to get through this life the very best they can, and we're all about the same.  But then you take a step further.  You get to know them better, and all of a sudden, they're not so pretty anymore.  You see their faults, you find that idosyncracies that make you want to scratch your eyes out... or better yet, theirs.  and I think God's message to me here was "Joanne, too often you STOP here.  You have to take the third step."

Which is this: You have to be willing to take the time to understand the idiosyncracies.  To search out why they're there.  To learn the roads people have walked.  To look close enough to see the hearts and souls and pains that lurk beneath the annoying.  And THERE, you will find God's child.

Insert Witty Title Here

I hit my Weight Watchers goal today. So I celebrated by taking myself out for tea and fattening up on cream cheese-laden sandwiches and shortbread. No, that wasn't the point. Casey was invited to a birthday party today that McKenzie was not invited to, so I promised McK a date for tea, which she loves. But, when we got to the party, it turns out that it was just an oversight and McK was invited to stay. So there I was, with a couple hours to kill and a teahouse nearby. A couple cookies won't kill me.

So I've been reflecting a lot here lately about what has made this time of losing weight different.  Why was I able to stick with this time when I've quit my weight loss efforts so many times before.  It isn't just losing weight.  It's also been about the process of conquering sin-- gluttony, stubbornness, escapism.  And I want to know why I DID succeed.

Mostly, the conclusion I've come to is simply that I wanted it enough.  That's not to say I didn't want it before at all.  But this time I wanted it enough to be committed to it.  To choose the harder thing.  Every time I wanted ice cream (or Doritos or cheesecae or... or... or...), I was able to say "Do you really want this OR do you want to lose one more pound?"  And that's all "YAY" when it comes to the weight loss that I've accomplished.  But, mostly, it just saddens me.

Because there are other things on my list of longheld/frequently failed resolutions, and my conclusion leads me to believe that I haven't been successful with them because I haven't wanted them enough.  Given that so many of those things surround my relationship with God, well, you see the source of my sadness and disappointment in myself.

God's been patient with me as I have singlemindedly pursued this personal project.  He hs provided me with strength, determination, compassion, confidence, and friendship.  He has delivered me into a group of people to walk this road alongside... who have commisserated with my setbacks, encouraged me in my struggles, and celebrated with my successes.  He has been my strength when I've wanted to quit and has provided me with little bits of encouragement along the way to keep me motivated and committed.

He has allowed me to focus on this physical vessel for the past year or so.  And now, it is time to... wel, to maintain what I HAVE focused on, but more importantly, to focus elsewhere on less temporal things, which scares me a little.  Historically, I've rather sucked at that.  Yet, I have to ask myself, "How badly do I want it?  Do I want it enough?  Do I want HIM enough?"

I'd better.

Little Bits of Random from My Head

• I'm happy.
• Sometimes that makes me feel guilty.
• There is so much BLECH that's going on in the lives of those I love so I feel like I should commisserate and feel crappy, too.
• But I don't.  I mean, I feel crappy for THEM for what's going in THEIR lives.
• But, here in my little world...  I'm basically happy.
• I did have to pay $700 to have maintenance done on my van, though.
• That wasn't happy.
• But we're getting something like $4400 back on our tax return.
• So that's happy.
• We (Joel and I) are going to be switching places soon, when it comes to ministry.
• I have always been the one to take the backseat... to be the one responsible for the care of the kids so that Joel could be free to fulfill his youth ministry passion.
• I mean, I've been involved in things over the years, too
• But when someone has needed to take a step back to care for the family, it's been me.
• But he's decided that maybe it's my time.
• So, in the fall... that's what we're doing.
• It's kind of exciting... but also overwhelming.  What do I really want to do??  I've always done things that I could squeeze around being the parent.  And, it seems like I'm not really going to have to take that as much into consideration anymore.  The world is my oyster!  Is that the saying?
• My daughter smells.
• She's 7.
• And she has BO.
• I AM NOT READY FOR PUBERTY.
• Other people's marriages slay me.
• Not all of them.
• But most of them.
• I don't know if it's the philosophy of marriage that we have... if we're just laidback people... or what...  but we just don't fight.  I mean, we don't always AGREE... but we don't fight.  And the fact that other couples do is just FOREIGN to me. 
• And that doesn't mean that I'm all haughty about it... I'm not.  I just HONESTLY don't UNDERSTAND it.  I can't imagine truly FIGHTING...  being so mad at him that I'd make him sleep on the couch or something.  I mean, I know it's POSSIBLE...  but I just can't wrap my head around it.
• I love my husband.
• He's a good man.... he had a good role model.  I love his father, too.  heh  Though clearly.  Not in the same way!
• I'm going to hit my goal at Weight Watchers on Saturday. 
• Did you hear that?
• I AM GOING TO HIT MY GOAL!!!!!
• Totally.
• Can't.
• Believe.
• It.
• I've been trying to lose weight for so long...  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm pretty much...there.  Strange.
• My husband got me a woodburning fireplace insert for Christmas.
• I love him.
• I AM SO WARM.
• It is delightful.
• I can actually sit at my computer in the winter in a tanktop (my upperbody attire of choice) and not get frostbite.
• It's lovely!
• Ok, that's it.
• Good night!

Refocusing

I'm refocusing my energies on our budget.  We've always been relatively frugal in our home.  We began married life as juniors in college with not much to live on but our financial aid and the jobs we worked between classes.  So I, early on, began to learn about shopping frugally, about making choices, about not using credit, etc.  And truly, I suppose that it's THOSE choices that have led to where we are now.  I mean, the well-paying job helps...  but not having to make up for early bad choices probably helps, too.  We have no credit card debt to pay off, no car payments, no student loans left.  The only debt we have is our mortgage... and though sizeable, it's in the budget.

Lately, however, we have both grown a little slack in our money control.  And you know, to a degree... that's okay.  We are not running month-to-month anymore.  We no longer have to dig in the couch cushions for milk money.  Spending wisely and saving money early on has got us to this place we are in life now where we can afford some of the things that we couldn't have paid for back then.  I don't regret relaxing our vigilance a bit and enjoying the blessings that we have now. 

But there is a line on the other side that we have crossed over.  Not so much extravagance as not being in control.  Not paying ATTENTION to what we're spending.  Too much eating out, too much of ME not keeping track of where the grocery budget is being spent, etc.  So I'm clamping down a bit... menu planning again (which is helpful in more areas than just the budget), tracking where my grocery money is being spent and where I can cut corners, being more diligent about controlling my eating out and coffee expenditures.

Sooo... I spent the afternoon not doing that.  lol  I stumbled upon a list of frugal blogs and have been adding the ones I tentatively like to my Bloglines list.  But really!  When the kids go to bed, I AM going to log my grocery receipts in my spreadsheet!!!!

A communion of sorts

You know that feeling.  When your heart is so full of some emotion.  And you want to share it with those around you.  You want to be able to tell someone else how you feel.  But you can't because it's just so... so... so MUCH.  Nothing you say can adequately describe it.  You can approximate.  You can attempt.  You can whip out your thesaurus and use every fancy word in the English language.  But every single one falls flat.  Nothing comes close to conveying just how MUCH is that feeling.

And that's me this afternoon.

You see, I have a plan.  In 14 days and 8 hours, I will get on a plane at 10:30pm.  And I will doze on said plane until I land in Atlanta at 5am.  And then I wait.  And then I will get on another plane and I will fly to Nashville.  And I will get off of the plane.  And I will walk into the arms of whichever of my best friends are there waiting for me.  And I intend on doing nothing but holding them until they get bored of me.  Because... because, oh God...  I just miss them so much.  So much that it hurts.

Being friends with them is like this exquisitely sweet torture...  I love them so much.  They are such beautiful wonderful gifts from my God.  But the distance...  the distance is freaking torture.  It is painful to have to live so far apart.  Silver lining, silver lining, silver lining... I suppose the distance lends a bittersweet urgency to when we DO get together that we wouldn't otherwise have.  But I'd give it up because...  I just want my friends.